


Why Am I Falling?

by PunkRock13



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Fainting, M/M, NCT 2020, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Esteem Issues, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-12-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:42:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 8,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26955298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PunkRock13/pseuds/PunkRock13
Summary: For You...Yuta has a crush on Mark, but Mark is oblivious. Yuta starts to think of different reasons why after 5 years of being close friends, Mark still doesn't like him like that. So he decides to change..TW: Eating Disorder, Self-Confidence issues, Obsessive Mindset, Maybe Suicidal Thoughts..Disclaimer: This is a fake story, do not believe what you read!
Relationships: Mark Lee/Nakamoto Yuta
Comments: 19
Kudos: 123





	1. The Beginning

**Author's Note:**

> Also on Wattpad - https://www.wattpad.com/story/243997935-why-am-i-falling
> 
> Please look at the Trigger Warnings in the Summary, don't read if this will upset you :)

Yuta never really understood why he liked Mark so much. The feeling had always been there, since the first day they met. He loved the younger boy's personality and his contagious laugh made Yuta's heart flutter. Since then, Yuta has struggled to keep those feelings hidden. One of the biggest problems was Haechan, as much as he loved his younger brother, Haechan always seemed to be all over Mark. Markhyuck this, Markhyuck that. They were the best of friends, who were very affectionate towards each other. Yuta knew they weren't dating, but he couldn't help but compare himself to the younger boy. Haechan had amazing vocals, his body proportions were perfect, his personality and humour was so amazing to be around. That's why Mark was always with him, he was a little sunshine. But Yuta had a problem with that. He wanted to be Mark's sunshine, so he decided to change.

1 week later

It was a cold, rainy day. Yuta felt down, he wanted to blame it on the weather, but the reality was he was hiding under his covers feeling sorry for himself. The group had practiced hard all day, and came back to the dorm to have dinner together. Yuta tried his best to sit next to Mark, but was of course pushed out of the way, unintentionally, by Haechan. The Japanese boy instead sat a few seats away and started picking at his food. He felt sick. The night before he had spent hours on Google searching what the perfect boyfriend should look like. He didn't fit the criteria at all. Most people said they liked slim men, or men with muscle. Yuta was curvy, and that was starting to bother him. Was he too fat for Mark? Maybe that's why he took no notice to the older boy. He ended up leaving the table early with an empty stomach, and ended up in his bed.

Yuta was still moping under his covers, when he heard a knock at his door.

"Yuta? Are you awake?" Mark called out as he opened the door. His face showing a big toothy grin. Yuta poked his head out from under the duvet.

"Yeah." He whispered, too embarrassed to talk loudly.

"We're gonna have a movie night, will you join us?"

Yuta thought about it for a moment, he was feeling lonely but he knew that he would feel even worse being the only person sitting on his own, in a group of people. Everyone had their one person they could rely on. Taeyong and Jaehyun, Taeil and Jungwoo, the list goes on.

"I-I don't want to ruin the mood or anything, so I'll just stay out of everyone's way." Yuta sighed. He was feeling a lot like a burden recently.

Mark walked more into the room and sat on the edge of the elder's bed.

"What do you mean? Are you feeling okay?" Mark asked, sounding concerned.

"I'm fine." Yuta replied, face showing no emotion.

"Come on." Mark grabbed Yuta's arm from under the covers and pulled him up. "Come and join us, you'll be bored on your own."

"Mark, please." Yuta sighed again, not wanting to get up.

"What can I do to make you join us?" Asked Mark, really wanting his friend to join the fun.

Yuta sat back down and thought for a minute, Mark's hand still holding onto his arm was making his stomach flutter.

"What movie are we watching?"

"Everyone's decided on horror, but we can change it if you want?" Mark replied.

Yuta took a deep breath, trying to pluck up the courage for what he was about to say.

"Will you hug me?" Yuta whispered. "So that I don't get scared by the movie." He quickly added on.

Mark let out a small laugh and smiled. "Of course." He said. "Come on, let's go before Johnny eats all the popcorn."

Yuta smiled slightly, as Mark held his hand and guided him to the front room. They sat down next to each other on the sofa, Yuta laying his head on Mark's shoulder and Mark, wrapping a protective arm around Yuta. No one mentioned how they were sitting, it was normal for everyone to be affectionate at the dorm.

The movie finished, and Yuta was drifting in and out of sleep. Mark helped guide him to his bedroom and tucked him in.

"Goodnight Yuta." Said Mark, getting up to leave.

"Mark." Yuta whispered, in his half asleep mind.

"Eo?"

"I love you."

Mark giggled quietly. "Cute. I love you too."

Then he left the room and closed the door on the way out. Yuta knew he only meant it as a friend, but hearing those words being directed at him, allowed him to sleep peacefully with a smile on his face.

The next morning, the dorm was chaos as always. Everyone was rushing to get ready of practice, taking it in turns to shower, trying to find something they had lost the night before. It was a rather hectic morning, but after a while it became quiet in the front room and Yuta realised that everyone had joined together in the kitchen to eat breakfast. It was a tradition for the 127 members to sit together from breakfast before schedule. Normally Yuta would be the first one at the table, eager to eat, but today he just couldn't bring himself to move. Today's dance practice was 6 hours long, and it would be better to do it on an empty stomach. Then he could burn off all the calories from the few mouthfuls of rice he ate the night before. Yuta sighed and closed his eyes waiting for the other's to finish.

Over in the kitchen, no one had noticed Yuta's absence, apart from Mark who seemed a little confused as to where his friend was.

"Mark, you alright?" Johnny asked, nudging him out of his thoughts.

"Oh, yeah. Just thinking." He replied. "Have you seen Yuta?"

"I think I saw him sleeping on the sofa before I came into the kitchen. I thought he would be here by now." Doyoung chimed in.

"Huh, I'll go and check on him." Mark said, getting up and moving into the next room. He saw the person he was looking for, curled up in a ball on the sofa. His eyes were shut, but his breathing pattern indicated that he was awake. Mark sat beside him and used one of his hands to play with the older boy's hair. He loved the new long hair on Yuta.

"Yuta?" Mark said quietly, in a sing song tone.

"Hmm." He replied.

"It's time for breakfast."

"I'm not hungry." Yuta replied, too scared to open his eyes.

"I'm not letting you leave until you've eaten, we've got a long practice today." Mark said sternly. "Come on." He grabbed the older boy's hand and pulled him up, dragging him to the kitchen table. Yuta noticed that when he was quiet and stayed away from everyone, he got more attention from Mark. He liked it. It felt like Mark actually cared for him, but he knew that was a lie.

Mark sat down and pulled Yuta down onto his lap. He could tell Yuta wasn't himself, and he hoped the extra affection would make him feel better. And it did, for a few seconds, but then Yuta felt uncomfortable as he realised he was probably crushing the younger boy. He made a mental note to exercise more so that he could lose weight faster. Yuta ate a small amount of rice and vegetables before deciding he was full. He stood up and went to get his shoes on ready for practice.

"Something's not right with him." Mark sighed.

The group continued on with their day, struggling through the 6 hour dance practice. As much as Yuta wanted to go home and sleep, he knew that he needed to get extra practice in, so he stayed behind to work on his vocals and dance. By the time he got home, it was late and everyone was asleep.

Yuta still felt down, he didn't feel right at all.

"Why am I not good enough?" He whispered to himself, a single tear falling down his cheek. He sighed and made his way to his bed, curling up and allowing himself to sleep for the night.


	2. Falling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the lovely comments <3

To say he was hungry would be an understatement, Yuta was starving. It had been 2 days since he had eaten anything, drinking only water to keep his stomach full. He could feel himself getting more and more tired as the seconds went by, it felt like torture. But he endured it, he had to do this. For Mark. 

The day before, something happened during their break from dance practice. Something that caused Yuta to spiral so badly. 

-

"Yuta, you keep getting the steps wrong. You're supposed to turn after Mark starts rapping, not before." Haechan said, annoyed that they had to keep going over the same part because one person couldn't get it right. 

"I'm sorry." Yuta sighed, he was feeling dizzy and just wanted to go home. 

The group restarted the dance, and sure enough Yuta turned too soon. The music stopped, and the group were angry.

"Yuta! Why can't you get it right?" Taeil whined, feeling exhausted from 7 hours of practice.

"It's not even a hard move, I don't understand why you can't do it right." Said Doyoung.

"Ya, maybe if you lost some weight you'd be quicker on your feet." The manager said, not happy with the boy's performance.

Yuta bit his lip and tried his best not to cry. "I'm sorry for wasting your time everyone." He said, holding back his tears with a strained voice. "Manager, can the others go home now? I'll stay behind to practice, they don't need to be here." 

"Yeah, good thinking Yuta. Everyone head back to the dorm, Yuta stay here until you can perform the song without any mistakes, got it?" Said the manager.

And with that, the room was left with nothing but Yuta and his toxic mind. 

"I need to lose more weight." He whispered to his reflection in the mirror. He stayed at the studio, dancing until he physically couldn't stand anymore. When he looked at his phone, he saw that it was 4:30am. Their next practice was scheduled for 6am, so he decided to just take a nap on the floor of the dance studio.

-

He was awakened a few hours later by the rest of the group.

"Yuta, why did you stay here all night? Do you know how worried I was when you didn't come home?" Taeyong asked, looking concerned.

"Sorry, I-I m-must have fallen asleep. S-sorry." Yuta stuttered, he could feel everyone's eyes on him. 

"It's okay, just don't do it again."

Dance practice started once again, and with only 2 hours of sleep and no food for more than 24 hours, Yuta was feeling terrible but he couldn't let it affect him. He performed perfectly for the full 5 hours of practice.

"Okay everyone, let's go home for lunch." Taeyong announced. 

The group of boys left the room once again, but Yuta didn't budge. He had made them angry the day before and felt like they didn't want him to join them. Instead he made his way to the gym and spent hours breaking himself with cardio. 4 hours later, he was stood outside the dorm. He wanted to go in and shower so bad but he was too scared to face the others. 

After taking a deep breath, he entered as quietly as he could and rushed to his bedroom. The others seemed to all be in the front room watching a movie, so he was safe to shower and go to bed. Before getting into the shower, he weighed himself. 60kg. It doesn't seem like a lot, but to Yuta it was the biggest number he had ever seen. He cried a little in the shower, although he doesn't like to admit it. If it's in the shower it doesn't count right? 

Yuta was able to sneak back into his bedroom and fell asleep almost instantly. He read online somewhere that if you don't eat anything, you'll lose a pound a day, so he made a mental note to completely stop eating. Just until he lost enough weight to please the others, and of course Mark.

The next day arrived and it was a free day for everyone. No practice and no schedule. Yuta didn't like that though, sitting around made him think about how hungry he was. Day 3 of no eating was killing him both mentally and physically, so he decided to go to the gym for a few hours. When he came home, he felt sick and after having a hot shower he felt even worse. He lay in bed for the rest of the day, sleeping on and off, and somehow woke up just in time for their schedule the next day. 

Yuta got out of bed and got ready for dance practice.

"Yuta?" Johnny asked, seeing the boy sneak out of his room.

"Yeah?" He whispered back.

"Are you okay? You look kind of sick."

"U-uh yeah, I think I'm getting the flu." Yuta lied, worried the others would stop him on his weight loss journey.

"Oh, do you think you'll be okay to practice?"

"Yeah, I-'ll be fine." Yuta shrugged. He turned around quickly to move away from the conversation, but as he did his vision went blurry and he felt himself falling, strong arms catching him before it all went black.


	3. Can You Hear Me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's chapter is a bit shorter, I will try to make the next one longer. Thank you for all of the support! 🥰❤

"Yuta?"

Johnny still couldn't believe what had just happened. He was standing up and talking like normal and then he just dropped, like every part of his body had stopped working. Luckily they were stood next to each other so Johnny was able to catch the younger boy and prevent any further injuries. The boy however, was still unconscious in Johnny's arms.

"Yuta, can you hear me?" He asked, gently shaking the unresponsive boy.

Johnny picked the boy up and brought him into the front room where the other members were, they looked shocked when the saw a lifeless body in Johnny's arms. 

"Guys, he- he just passed out. I don't know what to do." Johnny said, the normally confident man was currently very scared.

Taeyong sprang up and into action. Taeyong checked to make sure Yuta was breathing, before asking questions.

"Lie him down on the sofa, do you know why he fainted?"

"He mentioned having the flu, but it doesn't seem like he has a fever or anything." Johnny replied.

"Okay, someone get some water. Taeil call the manager and ask him to cancel practice, we can't go with Yuta in this condition." The leader ordered. 

"Is he gonna be okay?" Mark asked quietly. He hated this feeling, seeing his friend in such a fragile state.

"He'll be okay, don't worry." Taeyong comforted the younger. 

Mark came and sat next to Yuta and gently placed the older boy's head in his lap, stroking his hair in hopes it would comfort him.

The manager confirmed that they could have the day off, so the boys sat around Yuta and watched him whilst he slept. They were worried, as it had been over an hour since he had passed out and he still hadn't woken up.

Yuta started to stir on Mark's lap. every now and then he would let out a deep breath or make a small noise, until eventually he opened his eyes. He was rather disorientated at first, not know what had happened or where he was.

"Yuta?" Mark called to get his attention.

"Yeah?" Yuta whispered back.

"Are you feeling okay?" 

"Yeah." Yuta replied sighing and trying to sit up. A strong arm held him down.

"Yuta, you need to stay lying down for a while. You passed out an hour ago, so you need some rest." Taeyong said firmly.

"What?" Yuta replied, confused. He passed out? "Why did I pass out?"

"We don't know." Replied Johnny. "You mentioned having the flu, do you think it's to do with that?"

"Maybe." Yuta realised the real reason why, but he wasn't going to share it with the others.

"I think you should get some food in you, your body seems to be weak at the moment. I'll make you some soup." Taeyong said soothingly.

"N-no." Yuta panicked.

"Why?"

"M-my stomach doesn't feel good. I just want to go back to sleep." Said Yuta, trying to cover up his secret.

"Okay, you can get some more sleep but I'm gonna make sure you eat something later." 

Yuta moved up slowly so that he was sat down on Mark's lap, then he turned so he was facing the younger boy and cuddled him until he fell asleep again. He could blame the clinginess on his 'sickness' so no one would find it weird he was hugging Mark.

The younger boy smiled, it was nice that his friend felt comforted by him, so he wrapped his arms around Yuta's waist and allowed the boy to rest.

A few hours later, Yuta was woken up so that he could eat. He had already gone 4 days without eating and he felt good about it, but he knew his members would worry if he refused to eat after passing out. It would look suspicious, so he ate a small bowl of soup and then went to the bathroom to weigh himself. 59kg. He had only lost 2lbs in 4 days? He thought it would be more than that. Feeling deflated, he headed to bed with a new plan brewing in his mind. No matter what, he would not eat, and he had to make sure he went to the gym for at least 2 hours a day, on top of dance practice. 

Mark was leaving in a week to film a series with SuperM, he would be gone for 2 weeks. Yuta set his return date as his deadline. He wanted to lose another 5kg by then, and he would do it for Mark no matter how much it hurt. 

He couldn't wait for the day when he and Mark would be in love, one day they would live happily ever after. Yuta just had to make a few unhealthy changes to ensure that his happy ending actually happened.


	4. Again

Mark only had a few days at home before he left to film with SuperM, and Yuta made sure to spend every minutes he possibly could with the younger boy. He was clinging onto him as much as he could, because he knew the next 2 weeks would be extra hard work without the one he loved. Mark was loving this side to Yuta, all the hugs and giggles made the younger boy happy as it seemed like Yuta was no longer sick. What he didn't know was the Japanese man was continuing to torture himself by not eating. It was like he was living a double life.

"Yuta, do you wanna join us for dinner?" Taeyong called from the kitchen, as everyone sat down to eat.

"I'll be there in a minute." Yuta shouted back. He always said this, but never followed it. Instead, he would allow the others to get distracted by their food, and hide away in his bedroom.

Whilst in his bedroom, he would do a mini workout. Squats, crunches, push-ups and planks. He would do the same routine on repeat for at least an hour every day, along with going to the gym and doing hours of dance practice. His body always hurt.

There was only one night left with Mark before he left with SuperM, so Yuta invited him to watch anime in his bedroom all night. The two men were lying down against his headboard with Yuta's laptop on the bed. The anime they were watching a a cute, romantic series, Yuta's favourite. 

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm gonna miss you when you're gone." Pouted Yuta. 

"I won't be gone for long. It's only two weeks." Mark laughed.

"Will you call me? Every day?"

"Maybe not every day, but I will definitely call you."

"Thank you Mark." Yuta whispered. 

He took a deep breath.

"You okay?" Mark asked, looking down at the older man who had rested his head on Mark's shoulder.

"Mark?" Yuta said again, looking up.

"Ye-"

Mark was cut off by Yuta's hand cupping his face. 

"Mark." He whispered.

"Y-yeah?"

"Can I kiss you?"

"K-kiss me?" Mark stuttered, he was not expecting this situation to happen.

"Y-yeah, a goodbye kiss." Said Yuta.

"Um, I mean I-I don't know." Replied Mark, feeling awkward.

Yuta moved his hand away and looked down at his lap.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

"I-is that why you've been so clingy?"

Yuta looked up, shocked. He didn't know what to say. "Clingy?"

"Like all the hugs and wanting to be with me all the time. I mean, I like spending time with you so I don't mind but, are you just doing it for a kiss or for se-"

"No!" Shouted Yuta. "I would never do something like that. I'm clingy because you're my best friend and I don't want you to leave me for 2 weeks." The Japanese boy started to cry, overwhelmed by the situation. Why did he have to mess everything up? "I'm sorry Mark, I didn't m-mean it like tha-at." He sobbed, feeling so embarrassed.

"Hey, it's okay. Don't cry." Mark soothed, hugging his friend to try an comfort him. "I'm sorry I said that, I was just shocked at what happened. I know you wouldn't do that."

"I'm such a bad person." Cried Yuta. "You should leave me, you should stop being friends with me. All I do is upset people."

"Don't say that, you know it's not true. Nothing will ever stop your friendship." Mark said firmly.

"I'm sorry." Yuta whispered. "Can we forget this happened?"

"If that will make you feel better then of course we can. I wanna see you smile again." Said Mark.

Yuta let out a small smile to please the older, and the laughed a little before refocusing their attention on the anime.

The next morning, Mark was gone and Yuta felt empty. The first thing he did that morning was weigh himself. 57kg. He was making progress, that was almost 5lbs in just a week.

The group were at dance practice all day, and then Yuta joined Johnny at the gym. His body was aching and he ended up going to bed as soon as he got home. 

The next day was the same as the day before, but this time it was a lot harder, because Yuta hadn't eaten anything in 6 days. He felt faint and dizzy all the time and his stomach was in agony. He managed to survive dance practice, but skipped his gym session. He could barely stand. He had a hot shower and then got into his pyjamas, but something wasn't right. He felt like he was about to throw up, but there was no food in his system to come out. He slowly walked into the room where the rest of the group were sat, his vision kept fading in and out.

"M-mark." He gasped, wanting his friend to help him. But he wasn't there. "Mark."

"Yuta? Are you okay?" Jaehyun asked, standing up to go and check his friend. As soon as he got next to Yuta, the boy blacked out and fell straight down, Jaehyun quickly catching him seconds before he hit the floor.

The who room was in shock. This was the second time Yuta had fainted, it was scary the first time but actually seeing it with their own eyes shocked them even more.

"D-did he just faint?" Haechan asked eyes wide.

"Yuta, can you hear me?" Jaehyun asked, but the body in his arms was lifeless. Luckily he was still breathing.

Jaehyun placed the older boy onto the sofa. Yuta started to wake up almost instantly this time.

"What happened?" He groaned, his head hurting.

"You fainted again." Said Jaehyun. "You really need to see a doctor about this Yuta, this is the second time it's happened."

"No, it's okay. I'm just dehydrated, I'll drink more water from now on." Yuta sighed. "Sorry for scaring you all."

Without the leader, and Yuta's best friend there, the others didn't know what to do with the situation. So they allowed Yuta to go to bed, and by the morning, due to their busy schedule, they had forgotten about it. Yuta was left to continue his vicious cycle.


	5. Petal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Just to let you know I have added a mini sequel onto my Jaeyong story 'Out At The Elbows' Please give it a read if you want to 😁💖

A whole week had passed since Mark had left for promotions, the two men had messaged each other every night and tonight was extra special because they were video chatting. Yuta had become very pale and frail, he had lost even more weight this week and was down to 56kg, a very unhealthy weight for him. But he still wanted to lose more. He put some make up on to cover up his pale skin, hopefully Mark would think he looked good.

"Hello?" Mark said through the screen.

"Mark, I miss you." Yuta said, pouting cutely. 

"I miss you too Yuta hyung, but it's only one more week." Replied Mark.

The 'hyung' hurt a little, Yuta didn't want to feel like the older one. He wanted Mark to say something sweet like 'Baby', 'Sweetie', 'Honey.'

"Mark, do I look good today?" Yuta asked, showing off his hair that had grown long.

"Hyung you look good everyday." Mark laughed. 

Mark's face left the screen for a second, and Baekhyun's face suddenly appeared.

"Yuta!" Shouted Baekhyun.

"Oh, hi Hyung." Replied Yuta, feeling awkward.

"Have you lost weight? Your face looks smaller." Said Baekhyun.

Yuta gulped, feeling his stomach hurting. He wanted people to notice right? So why was he so scared to admit he had lost weight?

"Uh, yes a little bit." Replied Yuta.

Mark appeared back on the screen. 

"You lost weight? Why? You don't need to lose any, you're already small enough." Mark said, making Yuta blush.

"U-uh, it's just from dance practice. I'm not trying or anything." Yuta laughed uncomfortably. 

"Okay, well make sure you eat more." 

"O-okay." 

Food. Yuta managed an 8 day streak with no food, and then one day he just snapped. The members had ordered pizza and he ate an entire large pizza to himself. He didn't know why, his control had been so good so far. Since that day, he hasn't eaten. 

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"W-will you, uh w-would you-" Yuta stopped, not sure why he was about to say this.

"Would I what?"

"Would you go out on a date when you get back?" 

"A date? With who?" Mark replied, feeling like he already knew the answer.

"Um, m-me?"

"What do you mean, like going out for food or something?" 

"Y-yeah." Yuta realised at this moment, that Mark was completely oblivious to what was happening.

"Sure, there's a new Japanese place near our dorm if you wanna try it out?"

"Yeah that will be nice." Replied Yuta, it was then that he realised he had agreed to going out and eating. Food. 

"Well, I've gotta go and do some filming before bed so I'll see you later." Said Mark.

"Okay, have a good night."

Yuta sighed, how was he going to sit in front of Mark and eat a whole meal? Not only that, but he had asked him out on a date and Mark didn't even realise that he was serious. He just thought they were hanging out as friends. This whole situation was getting harder, and Yuta was fed up of giving hints. 

.

Mark was due to come home today, but Yuta wasn't going to greet him. He was embarrassed. He wasn't good enough to be in the same room as Mark, to breathe the same air as Mark. Mark was just too perfect.

Yuta spent the day at the gym, intense hunger was ripping at his body. But the good news for him was that he continued to lose weight. His clothes didn't fit anymore, they were all much too big but he didn't have time to buy new ones because of their busy schedule. 

He came home and showered, then hid in his bedroom whilst everyone else celebrated the return of their much loved members.

"Where's Yuta?" Mark asked Jaehyun.

"I don't know, he's been out most of the day but I think I saw him go into his room earlier." Replied the older boy. 

"How is he? I haven't spoke to him in a couple days."

"To be honest, he hasn't really spoke to anyone. He hides in his room most of the time."

"He uh, he passed out again last week." Said Johnny.

"What? Why didn't anyone tell me?" Replied Taeyong, both angry and nervous. Mark froze. He seemed fine on the phone, was he hiding it from him?

"He said he was just dehydrated and he's been fine since."

"I'm gonna go and see him." Said Mark, walking over to his friend's bedroom. He didn't bother knocking as they never did.

"Yuta, I'm back." Mark said, walking in to see his friend sat on the floor with his head in his knees. "Yuta?"

The boy looked up slowly and Mark could see that he had been crying.

"Hey, what's wrong?"

Yuta cried even more, looking away. Mark sat next to him and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm sorry." Yuta whispered. "I didn't want to interfere with you and the others. You can all celebrate without me."

"What are you talking about? You're my best friend and you're the person I want here most."

"I-I just, I'm having a bad day." Yuta sighed. "I missed you."

"Well, I'm gonna be here for a long time. We've got NCT 2020 to prepare for." Mark smiled.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course, you can tell me anything."

"I-"

To Be Continued...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the ending! I won't make you wait too long 😂 Thanks for reading! <3


	6. Cloud Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning! Slight mention of Suicidal thoughts at the start of the chapter. Please do not read if this affects you <3 (It's only one line in the first paragraph so feel free to skip that part).
> 
> Also, I've added a mini sequel onto my Jaeyong one shot 'Out At The Elbows.' Please check it out! 😊❤

Yuta had been thinking about this moment for a while. He was fed up with dropping hints and getting nothing in return. When Mark came home he would tell him. He would tell him he liked him, and if the younger boy rejected him, well he didn't know what he would do. He'd be so embarrassed, it would be impossible to look Mark in the eye again. Maybe he'd have to leave the group. Or maybe, just maybe he'd do something more serious. Maybe he'd leave this world altogether.

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Can I tell you something?"

"Of course, you can tell me anything."

"I like you." Confessed Yuta. 

Mark was silent for a moment, unsure of what was going on. Was he reading the situation wrong?

"Well, we are friends so I would hope that you liked me." Mark laughed.

"No."

"No?"

"I like you. I really like you. More than friends."

"Oh." Mark didn't know what to say. It's not that he didn't like Yuta, he just didn't realise that the older boy had feelings for him all this time. 

Yuta looked down at the floor, feeling embarrassed.

"How about we go one that date we were talking about?" Said Mark. Yuta's head shot up.

"W-what?"

"I said I'd take you to the new Japanese restaurant when I got back. Let's go now."

"O-okay." Yuta said, suddenly smiling after his brain caught up with what Mark had said. "We're going on a date?"

"Yeah, that's what people do right? If they like someone, they go on a date."

Yuta laughed. This was his chance, he couldn't blow this. He put on his tightest pair of black jeans, and wore a fancy shirt to make sure he looked extra good.

"Woah Yuta, Baekhyun was right. We need to get you some food!" Mark laughed, pulling the older boy out of the dorm. 

Yuta was on cloud nine. 

The two boys arrived at the restaurant and got a table for two. Yuta's stomach had butterflies, why was he so nervous?

"So what should we order?" Mark asked, looking at the menu.

Yuta froze. Food? All this time he was so excited to spend time with Mark that he had completely forgot he would have to eat. He didn't want to worry Mark or cause problems, so he decided to eat tonight. He would just have to work extra hard at the gym tomorrow.

"Yakitori is a must for starters." Replied Yuta.

"Ooooh of course!" Mark said excitedly. "We need to get some Udon as well."

The boys ended up ordering too much off the menu, but they were having so much fun chatting they didn't even realise that they had eaten it all. Yuta's stomach was feeling fuller than ever, and it was hurting a lot. He hadn't eaten this much food in a long time.

"Did you wanna get dessert?" Mark asked.

"I feel like I'm about to blow up." Yuta replied.

"I'll take that as a no then." Mark laughed. 

Mark paid for the meal, which made Yuta feel very special, and the two walked home together. 

It was late when they got back to the dorm, so everyone was asleep. Yuta didn't want the day to end as he knew tomorrow they would be back to practising for their comeback. 

"Mark?"

"Yeah?"

"Will you come and lie down with me?" Yuta asked softly, looking like he was about to fall asleep. His full stomach was definitely making him feel tired. Mark laughed at his friend, he looked so cute.

"Of course, let's get our pyjamas on first."

Once they changed into their pyjamas, they got into Yuta's bed and cuddled close together. Yuta was just about to drift off when Mark began to speak.

"Yuta?"

"Yeah?"

"I like you too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this part is so short! Hopefully the next part will be longer :)


	7. Black Hole

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's taken so long to update. Thanks for reading <3

It had been a week since Mark had told Yuta he liked him. Yuta thought he would be on cloud nine, but since that day Mark has barely spoken a word to him. He was struggling, he couldn't understand what he had done wrong. The younger boy wouldn't even go near him. 

Yuta could feel himself starting to crumble, he knew it was his fault Mark got scared away. Who would like him anyway? He's nothing but a nuisance to others. That's how he saw it anyway. Since Mark started ignoring him, Yuta started to ignore and hide from the others once again. He barely left his room unless it was for practice and he hadn't eaten in days. He was down to 55kg and he knew if he didn't eat soon, his body would shut down, but he was too scared to face the others. 

NCT were going to be starting their preparations for their 2020 comeback, which meant there would be a lot more members around. Including WinWin, Yuta's old best friend. He'd like to think they were still friends but when the Chinese boy left for WayV, he ignored all of Yuta's texts and they haven't spoke since.

Yuta sighed, he was hungry, he was lonely. The others were eating dinner in the kitchen right now, and even though he really didn't want to, he knew he had to join them. The hunger was becoming too painful.

It took all of his strength and courage to get up out of his bed and exit his room. It was loud in the kitchen and when he walked in, everyone stopped chatting to look at him. Yuta froze, he didn't want them to see him. So he ran, back to his room in fear. The frail boy sat on the floor, shaking from a mixture of exhaustion and fear.

"Yuta?" Someone was knocking on his door. "Can I come in? I've got some food for you." 

Johnny. The older boy was always like a dad to the other members.

Yuta slowly stood up, feeling dizzy, and opened the door allowing Johnny to walk in. They sat on the bed together in silence and ate some Kimchi Stew.

"Are you alright?" Johnny asked, once they had finished eating.

Yuta was silent for a moment, should he say yes or no? Instead, he just cried.

"Oh Yuta." Johnny sighed, not liking that the boy was sad. He pulled Yuta's head into his chest and allowed him to cry for as long as he needed to.

"M-Mark h-hates me." Yuta sobbed out, starting to hyperventilate. 

"Yuta, I need you to look at me and take some deep breaths okay?" Johnny said sternly, holding the boys shoulders and guiding him into being calm again. Once Yuta could breathe, he spoke once again.

"Mark hates me." He whispered, looking down in embarrassment.

"I know for a fact that he doesn't hate you. What happened to make you think that?"

"I-I- please don't tell anyone." Yuta pleaded.

"I won't, I promise."

"I told him I liked him, and we went on a date and then he said he like me back, but the next day he just ignored me and he hasn't spoken to me for a whole week." Yuta started crying again. "I-I tried to be better for him but he'll never like me."

"Mark is probably just confused at the moment, give him some time to understand his feelings. But remember that you're his best friend no matter what, he doesn't hate you."

Yuta sighed. "I hope so." He whispered.

"Yuta?" Johnny asked, sounding concerned.

"Yeah?"

"What did you mean when you said you tried to be better for him?" 

"Oh I-I just l-lost some weight so that h-he would like me."

Johnny held Yuta's shoulders and forced the boy to look at his face.

"Yuta, I need you to understand that you shouldn't change for anyone okay? We've all noticed how much weight you've lost and it's not healthy, so as your friend I'm begging you to please start taking care of yourself. Mark won't care about what your body looks like, he's told me in the past that he doesn't care about appearance okay?"

Yuta didn't know what to say, so he just nodded. He felt useless, he had put himself through hell to lose weight for Mark, but the boy didn't even want it. Didn't want him.

Yuta could feel more tears coming, he could feel a full on mental breakdown coming, but he wasn't going to hide it anymore. He ran out of his room and into the living room full of the other members, who were sat together watching TV. Yuta ran straight to Mark and collapsed onto the younger boy, shocking him. That's when his breakdown began, and he screamed an agonising scream.

"Yuta what's wrong?" Taeyong asked, panicking slightly. Yuta continued to sob and scream, burying his head into Mark's chest. 

Mark was frozen, he didn't know what to do. He looked up and saw Johnny, who was hinting to him that he should hug the other boy. Mark felt a sudden desire to protect Yuta, so he scooped him up in his arms and took him to his room.

Once they got to the room, Yuta had calmed down a little and Mark stood there, holding Yuta and swaying his body to relax him. It was at this moment, that Mark realised how light his friend had become. He knew he had lost weight, but this was too much. 

"Yuta, I need you to calm down." Mark said, but this only made Yuta cry harder. It had been so long since he'd had any interaction with Mark.

"M-Mark" The fragile boy sobbed.

"I'm here baby, just relax okay?" Mark replied. Baby? Yuta guessed he was just trying to be comforting, but he had to admit he liked it when Mark called him that. 

Not much was said after that, and Yuta started to calm down. Mark sat down on his bed holding Yuta on his lap.

"Yuta, I'm so sorry I've been ignoring you. I won't do it again, I'm so stupid for doing it in the first place." Mark apologised.

"Did I do something wrong?" Yuta asked, voice weak.

"What do you mean?"

"Why were you ignoring me? It was my fault wasn't it?"

"No, of course it wasn't your fault." Mark said quickly. "It's just, I've never been in a relationship before and I panicked. I was trying to think about everything and try to understand what I was feeling."

"That's what Johnny said." Yuta laughed.

"Did he?" Mark smiled too. "I love your smile, you should smile more often." Mark told Yuta.

"S-so did you think about everything?"

"Uh y-yeah I did. But first I just want to say that I'm sorry for putting you through all of this. It was wrong of me to do so."

"It's okay Mark, I forgive you."

"So Yuta?" Mark said after taking a deep breath.

"Yeah?"

"Will you be my boyfriend?"

Yuta froze, eyes wide. "R-really? You're not joking?"

"I'm not joking." Mark laughed.

"Y-yes."

"Yes?"

"Yes I will." Yuta smiled, hugging tightly to Mark. 

"Thank you baby." Mark whispered, holding the boy tight. "Let's go join the others, I think you'll like what we were watching."

Mark lifted Yuta up once again and they headed back out to the main room with the other members. Yuta was tired after his breakdown, so he kept himself lying on Mark as they watched the TV. Eventually he fell asleep.

"Mark, is he okay?" Taeyong asked, once he was sure the Japanese boy was asleep. All eyes were on him.

"Yeah he's okay. Everything's been sorted." Mark replied, a sigh of relief as he stroked the sleeping boys hair. 

Once it was time to sleep, Mark carried Yuta back to his bed and held him until he fell asleep.


	8. Warm

The next morning, Yuta awoke to an empty bed. He felt a little strange as he remembered the day before. Mark had become his boyfriend and Johnny had told him that Mark didn't care about the way he looked, but why did Yuta still feel so insecure? He knew he needed to get out of bed to join everyone for breakfast, it was taking him a while to work up the courage. He felt embarrassed after his episode in front of the others. But he was weak and hungry and he really needed to eat something before practice. 

Yuta got up and got dressed, his black clothes really showed off how much weight he had lost and for a split second he actually saw himself as skinny. He felt small, but he didn't know how to react. That was a good thing, right? The tired boy sighed as he had a war with his thoughts, then he left the room and headed to the kitchen, where the others were sitting down for breakfast. He stopped just outside the room and took a deep breath, then he heard the hushed conversation from inside the kitchen.

"Mark, what's going on with Yuta? First he kept fainting, then he lost so much weight and last night he was screaming and crying." Jaehyun said. "We need to know what's wrong so we can help him."

Just as Mark was about to say something, Yuta walked into the room, shocking everyone.

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine I promise. I'm sorting things out." Yuta said simply, sitting down as he grabbed a bowl of food. The other members were looking at him with wide eyes.

"You heard the man, he's sorting things out so let's not push it any further. Eat up everyone." Johnny said, being the dad of the group. Yuta sent him a small smile.

"Morning Yuta, did you sleep well?" Mark asked, placing his hand on the older boy's thigh.

"Yeah I guess, still a bit tired though."

Mark laughed. "You're always tired, you can fall asleep on me within seconds." 

Yuta laughed back, feeling like his old self again. He was joking with the others all morning and all through practice.

When they got home, Mark and Yuta separated from the others and went to relax in Mark's room. 

"Babe, do you think we should tell the others that we're dating?" Mark asked.

Yuta felt a bit nervous on the topic. He wanted everyone to know that he and Mark were together, but he was scared of the reaction. What if they didn't support it?

"D-do you?" Yuta asked back. Mark could sense he was nervous and gave him a hug.

"It might make things easier, we wouldn't have to hide it and we can just be free with each other y'know?" 

"Yeah." Yuta sighed. "But what if they don't like it?"

"They'll love it baby, I think they all know that I'm whipped for you anyway so it won't be a surprise." Mark replied.

"Mark." Yuta slapped his arm gently. "I can't believe you're whipped for me, I never thought you would date someone like me."

"Why? What's not to like about you?"

Yuta shrugged. "I'm not the best looking person y'know?"

"No I don't know, you're talking nonsense. Yuta you're the sexiest guy I've ever seen."

"Calm down Mark." The Japanese boy giggled.

"I mean it, you're beautiful."

The two men went silent for a moment, enjoying the secure feeling of the hug they were sharing. Mark's eyes made contact with Yuta's.

"Yuta?"

"Hmm?"

"There's one thing I regret." Said Mark.

"What's that?"

"Not letting you kiss me before I left with SuperM."

Yuta's eyes went wide for a moment, not expecting an answer like that.

"Why don't you go back in time then?" Yuta grinned.

"How am I supposed to do th-"

Yuta leant in and placed his lips onto Mark's, the two boys melted into one another as they enjoyed the love they felt. Yuta pulled away after a while, only to have a hand gently push his neck in the direction of Mark's lips. 

They spent the night together hugging and occasionally kissing, enjoying each other's company, and for the first time in a long time Yuta felt good.

The couple spoke again the next morning and decided to keep their relationship hidden for another week or so. 

Today was a day off and the other members were having a Kdrama marathon in the main room, since NCT 2020 was just around the corner the room was filled with all 23 members, well 21 members because Mark and Yuta had somehow made their way out without anyone noticing. 

The couple were back in Mark's room, spending their day with each other.

"Mark I feel sick." Yuta sighed. He had eaten a lot yesterday and even more today, his stomach wasn't used to it.

"Aw what's wrong babe?"

"My stomach hurts, I ate too much." Yuta was still unsure if Mark knew about his eating problem or not, but for now it seemed like he was clueless. 

"How about we have a bath?" Mark suggested.

"We?" Yuta was shocked.

"Yeah, we can cuddle in the bath. It'll help your stomach."

Yuta liked the idea but he wasn't sure if he could do it. He still wasn't very happy with his body and he was slightly bloated from all the food he ate, but he really wanted to be with Mark.

"What are you worrying about baby?" Mark noticed his partner biting his lip out of nervousness.

"M-my stomach is..." Yuta felt embarrassed saying it.

"Is it hurting too much? I can get you some painkillers."

"No, it's just I ate a lot so..."

"Yeah?"

"It's big." Yuta whispered, cheeks going red from embarrassment.

"And?"

"Hmm?" Yuta was confused. "What do you mean and?"

"I was waiting for you to tell me the problem." Mark replied, looking unaffected by what Yuta had just said.

"That is the problem."

"What is?"

"My stomach is big. Don't make me say it again it's embarrassing." Yuta pouted.

"Oh, I though there was something wrong." Mark laughed. "I don't care about your stomach being big. I love your body no matter what shape or size it is. And Yuta, you're a lot slimmer than you think."

Yuta could feel his eyes tearing up. "Okay." He said.

"So do you want to do it?"

"Yeah, let's have a bath." Yuta agreed, he felt good about himself and he couldn't tell if he was feeling sick from the food or from the butterflies in his stomach.

The couple went into the bathroom that was joined onto Mark's room, and ran a nice hot bath. Mark got in first and then Yuta got in, lying his back against Mark's chest. It was a very intimate time that the two men both loved, they made each other feel warm and cosy. After a while, the water got cold and the two men got out to get some food. They were both dressed but their hair was still wet, causing a few confused glances from the other members. 

Johnny smirked knowing exactly what was going on, and loving every minute of it.


End file.
